Here ya go, Bol. A friend of mine (who lives in the Deep South) sent us his recent article.
In light of the fact that some of the citizens in our Northern climes are facing cold weather, I thought you might enjoy reading this week's column submission to the Americus Times Recorder.
On Fire for a Fireplace
I live in a drafty old house. I live there because she wanted it. You see, we had a nice house: the yard was well-landscaped, the paint was fresh, and the roof didn’t leak, much. We could heat and cool it affordably.
Trouble is, it didn’t have a downstairs bedroom. Neither of us ever had any trouble navigating the staircase, but with advancing age, we knew our time would come. We thought about adding an elevator, but she really wanted this house and she bought it.
Good Lord! We didn’t know what we were in for. It’s a pretty thing. Built in 1848, it is only 100 years older than I. After a couple of years and a lot of money, we just about have it where we want it except for one thing: I am freezing.
At one time, this house had ten fireplaces. Four of them were covered over in a long ago upstairs remodel, so that leaves six. We had them checked out and they were pronounced DOA by the local chimney guy. In fact, he advised us not to get too frisky removing some of the paper and insulation that has been blocking them for eons. He thinks that the paper is the only thing preventing the bricks from the chimney and a hundred years of soot from collapsing into the house. That would be fun.
The only warm room in the house is the library for it has a modern “ventless” gas heater that, as they say, will “run the rabbit out of the holler.” My bride likes it so hot in there that I can only visit for a few minutes at a time. I’m trying to take the chill off, and she’s roasting peanuts on the sofa.
Conversely, the coldest room in the house is a huge, 1970’s addition that, while not in keeping with the rest of the house, is a wonderful room and it is where I spend most of time. I think we need a fireplace if for nothing else, it will look warm.
I’ve had several suggestions:
1. Gas logs, to me are about as exciting as kissing your sister. Not in my house.
2. Buck stove: my house is not exactly the Buck stove type. I can just hear the local hysterical society screaming when they catch a glance at the stove pipe. It would have to be at least 40 ft tall. I suppose I’d have to add a strobe light on top to ward off small planes.
3. Build a masonry fireplace. From what I understand, $20,000 is just the starting point around here. With my luck, it wouldn’t draw.
No, I want a real honest to goodness fireplace that I can poke at with a stick. I want to haul firewood and have ashes and soot. I want a big fireplace for a big room… and I want to be able to afford it.
Right now, I’m tempted to buy this electric thing I saw at the big box. It has a “flame” simulated by a crumpled roll of aluminum foil, a sheet of red cellophane and a light bulb.
I’m sorry. Just shoot me or at the very least, pass me another blanket.
And please uncover me for the spring thaw. I sure don’t want to miss that.
Boyce (Stick) Miller is a writer of dubious distinction. He lives and works in Americus, GA, and he is a legend in his own mind.
