I've spent the last few days in the hospital looking after my father.  He's suffering from congestive heart failure brought on from diabetes, high blood pressure and a diet very high in sodium.  The doctor outlined a very narrow path to health, but I am not optimistic about him staying the course.  Sometimes being close to death isn't enough to undo a lifetime of bad habits.

As I mentioned, I've been taking my second oldest to the gym over that last couple of years.  While she's gotten freakishly strong she also gained weight.  The reasons for the weight gain were complicated -- I guess they always are.  Several mouths back she asked me to help her with her nutrition.  I outlined the principles I eat by and helped her to adapt them to her particular situation, being a teen, in high school, working in a place with much junk-food temptations and dealing with the constant pressure her peers.  She's done an amazing job.  The image on the left was from about six months ago, the one on the right was from tonight.

The contrast between how I've been able to help my kid and my lack of ability to help my dad is really something I've thought about a lot.

Wow... well done to both you and your eldest.

The desire came from within her... I see many girls of that age (My Lucys age too) struggling with it, and the desire for a solution is not apparent. Why?  no idea.


But I suspect her success is in a big part because her Dasd was there to help, and guide her through it, not assuming she aleready knew or it was inevitable or something.

So again, well done both. 

My Lucy has just come back from a DofE walk.  The short explaination  is walking and camping for 3 days over the Lake district with a group of 4/5 of them, carrying their food/tents etc for 70KM.

She came back with a swollen ankles, swollen knees and a very sore wrist... she has joint problems.  But, she did it, and on top of that, was able to be the positive one, egging the others all the way round when there were tears, fears, and blisters.

Just saying, the feeling is great eh?  lovely to share.

Meanwhile my comiserations about your Dad... Similar but different. 

My Father in Law has dementia.  Is very unhappy, in a lot of pain, and it seems there is nothing we can do to help.  We are of course pushing the powers to ensure there is no pain. I don't believe there is an excuse/need  for him to be in pain... he is currently in a hospital.

What am I trying to say? His is not a life choice.  He has tried hard to hold it back for several years.


So I don't know, except I feel your pain.   Old age is crap.....

Well done! I see my oldest (13) asking for nutrition advice and health benefits. She's always been on the heavy side, but the last year or so really got interested in excercise and nutrition. Think she lost 10 pounds an looking great. Melts my heart knowing it will benefit her in so many ways - especially as a teenage girl.

Sorry about the old man LM. Hope he gets better soon and eventually change his habbits.

My dad died from cancer and the last year where he quit smoking and eathing healthly  - was in his words the most depressing time ever. "They took all my pleasures away and I'm still dying.." was some of the last harsh words.

>my lack of ability to help my dad

You aren't alone, LM. I'm facing a similar habits/health struggle with my parents. Great job with the encouragement and time spent with your daughter. I bet the achievement/insight will serve her well, forever.

That's awesome. It's so much easier to stay healthy than to get healthy.

>my lack of ability to help my dad

#metoo

My mom had breast cancer a few years back and has congestive heart failure now and my dad is dealing with Alzheimer's and dementia. Neither of them has ever been very healthy and they both drink more than they should. So hard to know how to help them.

Wow guys, it seems a lot of us are struggling/have struggled with very similar situations.  I wish I had some wisdom to share that would make it easier, but I don't.

>So hard to know how to help them.

Yeah, in my case I can't even get him to own up to the causes of the problems.

This will be a difficult subject to broach with a parent, but if they are willing to talk about a Living Will (with DNR) and a MEDICAL Power of Attorney, it'd be good to get this done.  Be forewarned, you might get blasted out of the room. Don't ask me how I know this.

>> in my case I can't even get him to own up to the causes of the problems

People will blame anything and everything but themselves. And sometimes they'd be right.

So keep the focus on positive steps for amelioration, without pushing for mea culpas.

Hope is a better motivator than guilt.

"You can't save someone from themselves."  that was the advice I got from a social worker. He was right.  You can try but there are limits.  It's even harder with an aging parent because ultimately they have to live life on their own terms and yet you want desperately to keep them safe. It tears you apart.  Just do your best.

> Living Will (with DNR) and a MEDICAL Power of Attorney

No love for that post, eh?  Yeah, I know, nobody wants to talk about that legal bullshit.  So, next meet-up remind me to tell you my own Power of Attorney story with my mom, who would NOT have anything to do with any sort of POA. It's a nail-biting cliff-hanger and involves blizzards, hospitals, heart surgery...

In short, do what you can to get some sort of POA, you're **going** to need it.  Without it, you and your family are very, very likely to be forced to step aside by the medical establishment while they make the decisions about care.  In modern medical care, they are absolutely, 100% guaranteed to opt for more care, regardless of the patient's quality of life. This is particularly true in larger and/or urban facilities.  The day of your family doctor coming to you on the side and asking how you want care to continue is long gone.

>MEDICAL Power of Attorney

My experience with my MOM is that the healthcare providers INSIST on using their own.

Her MEDICAL Power of Attorney was worthless 

>POA

You are absolutely right.  I had the experience with my Father. Fortunately he had given me both medical and financial POAs years before he suddenly became ill. All the medicos, especially the hospitals treat you totally differently when they understand you have the POA.

I just got my mother in to see a lawyer to draw up the same and give me copies based on that previous experience.

You won't have time to do it later, do it now in advance.

>MEDICAL Power of Attorney was worthless

20 years ago, you were right. Times have changed, and their effectiveness *may* vary by state. North Carolina seems to be somewhat progressive on this. IIRC, the state now maintains a a site that helps you develop & maintain a living will and a med POA.  To really get in charge as an advocate for your parent or family member you'll need to record the documents at the patient's county courthouse.  Even then, you're going to need copies in hand sometimes.

BUT...  be prepared to lie.  And, FORCE your advocacy on them. Bring in a lawyer if need be. You are very likely to have to take a "Who-the-f###-do-you-think-you-are-BOY"  attitude and stare the sumbitches down, as I've had to do plenty of times.  They back off if you ^{seem to} have the documents, but they still snipe, b###h, & moan to everyone else about how you're not 'doing the best' for your parent.  Trust me on this. I have street cred.

>financial POA

If that's all you have to work with, you may have to lie & bluff. That's what I did.

POA isn't applicable yet in my situation.  My dad is only 73 and for all his bad choices he's far from senile.  He got out of the hospital yesterday, looked better, could breath normal again, he asked my mother-in-law for a hot chocolate -- fortunately they were out.

I was looking over his diet restrictions last night, they are very strict.  He said something similar to your father Rumbas, "what's the point in living if I can't eat anything".